I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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