are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
