Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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