Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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