having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
tonight lets celebrate not being married
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
