This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
