I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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