I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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