The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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