the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
