and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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