Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just come out here and I will go home with you...
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
