She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
