I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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