you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
