Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
