Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
