Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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