I just pynch a tree in the face
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
