just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
