What did we do last night that was yellow?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
