It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize