He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
