nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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