i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
