Whats the glycemic index on semen?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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