4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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