I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse