It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
time to smoke my breakfast
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present