The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
