I'm jealous of your bromance
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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