you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
