So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You are the jesus of drinking
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
