Me. At least after what I've been through.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
