I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
