i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
