The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize