I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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