This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
