Your face is a jimmy john
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
