apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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