garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
