I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
