just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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