Well douche your snatch and let's go!
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
