I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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