We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
