Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
