If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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