You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
