Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
