well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
