Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
