You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
this hospital has no fireball
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize