Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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