I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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