Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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