You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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