just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"