It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
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i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
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My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.