I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
