Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
