Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
