Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
