Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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