Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She bit a glass in half.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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