There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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