just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
